ATLANTA, GA — CDC Director Dr. Rochelle Walensky held a press conference to warn the public about a deadly new "stealth" COVID-19 variant that causes negative test results and causes no symptoms.

"This deadly variant has bypassed our most sophisticated tests by ingeniously becoming harmless to the human body," said Director Walensky, "It is estimated that eight billion people have caught this variant. We must prevent it from spreading further by closing schools and locking up kindergarten children."

The CDC director's guidance to close schools and stem the tide of this "stealth" variant is backed by data that has been thoroughly and rigorously altered, proving that public school teachers are the most susceptible, testing negative a whopping 100% of the time and often succumbing to the worst symptom-free symptoms.

At publishing time, Pfizer had announced early development of a new, 103% effective vaccine, followed 3.8 seconds later by approval from the FDA.